Get Up

I'm having trouble getting up. It's pathetic, really, considering I'm not the one with cancer. Nevertheless, when morning comes, I feel sad, pathetic, pissed off and I want to stay in bed. I can't, of course, because I have three babies who need me. The fact that I can't kick the constant burning "on the verge of bawling" feeling in my throat is really starting to irritate me. It's been getting better in the afternoon and evening, but for some reason the mornings are the worst. I think it's because cancer is not the most pleasant thought with which to start one's day.

I think maybe, though, something is starting to grow. The bible talks about having faith 'as small as a mustard seed.' I remember the first few years of my marriage when we were just broke and miserable. I didn't really know God all that well, wasn't really happy with Him and didn't think I deserved forgiveness anyway. I had just a teeny tiny bit of faith left, so I used it to pray these short, unemotional prayers. "Help me pay the bill, Lord." "Please help us stay married, Lord." Eventually he answered those prayers one by one, and he built for me the most incredible life. I'm having trouble right now figuring out why He would then confront me with one of my deepest and most personal fears. I just can't believe that there's not a more merciful way to "teach me" whatever it is that he wants me to learn. So now it's like I'm all the way back to square one, or maybe square zero. People talked about how I would probably get "mad at God," and I didn't think I would. I'm still not sure I'm mad. I think I'm scared. I'm scared of God. If he would do this to my heart when I'm just finally learning to talk to him, trust him, then what will he do if I rebuild? Will he do something else to me then because he thinks I can handle it? It probably sounds irrational, I know. It's ridiculous to think that if I lay low and be obedient that he'll just forget I'm here and leave me alone. So anway, that's why I'm back at square zero. My big ol' mustard plant (or whatever mustard seeds grow) has been ripped out of the ground. I think one little seed fell off, though, and it's been raining a lot, so maybe it will grow roots again.

I love knowing that so many of you are praying in different ways. Some of you are praying for big miracles. Some of you are praying for God's will. Some of you are praying for mercy. Some of you are just praying that we don't lose our minds. There is no way for me to put into words how that touches my heart. I think maybe one of you is praying that I'll get pissed off at cancer. I can feel it. I'm going to ask Daddy if I can be his chemo buddy. I have a friend who has been in chemo and radiation for years and years. For the last year or so that I've known her, I've asked her to tell me what it's like. I've marveled at how she can function like a normal person when she knows that she's just buying herself a little time in this life. I think God put her in front of me so that I could start getting used to the idea. I really do. So now I'm going to have to comfortable with chemo because I'm going to do whatever Daddy's going to do.

Dear Daddy,
You really got screwed, you know? Nobody could ever believe how you came back from your bypass and stints. You are incredible! You are so strong and handsome! You do all that work and then this *shit* happens. Sorry, but it is total *shit.*  Because I know you would want me to, I'm reminding myself that God doesn't cause *shit* to happen. It's just one of the great mysteries of life, right? So I guess you and I will just be watching a lot of Lifetime movies after chemo days so we can see all of the other people that have gotten screwed by shitty things. I know one thing for sure. There's nobody on this planet who I'd rather feel shitty with. John's a close second, of course, but he said you can take this one.