Big Rocks

It's like there are huge rocks in my stomach. They make me feel heavy and my stomach hurts. I can't decide which I hate more- day, or night. All day I'm sad. Everything I do makes me sad. One minute I desperately need people around me and the next minute I'm disgusted and I want to be alone. I think about how I will live the next months with everything being "the last time." ME!! One of the most emotional, sentimental and controlling people I've ever met. People keep saying, "You'll get through it. God will give you the strength." WHY WOULD HE??? I DON'T WANT THE STRENGTH. I WANT MY DADDY! The rocks just keep getting bigger and bigger. And my heart. . when I was trying to think of how to describe it, The Grinch came to mind. You know how his gets bigger and bigger? I feel like mine's getting smaller and smaller.

Then there's the nighttime. I drift off to sleep and a little while later, I'll inevitably wake up and for a second, just a second, I've forgotten. I feel normal. Until my brain catches up. Daddy's going to die. Then I feel like I'm drowning all over again. It happens 10, 20, 30 times a night until I just give up and stay awake. I would rather think about it all the time than be learning it for the first time over, and over and over again.

I've had some moments since I came home when I've been happy. The moments when I'm with the girls. They make me forget other things for a minute, but then that feels wrong. My Daddy can't forget. He can't escape. Some people are telling me to "take time for me," or "get away for a little bit." What about Daddy?? He can't get away. It's IN him. It IS him. Getting away from IT is getting away from Daddy, and I've never tried to get away from Daddy. He's the first one I go TO. Since the day I was born, we've felt the same. He's calls us kindred spirits. Nomatter what the situation, I would call Daddy because I KNEW he would feel just like me. He would feel what I was feeling. And now I want to feel what he's feeling. I will NOT leave him alone with those feelings. I want to know how it feels. I want to share his pain. But I'm so scared. He can't run from it, so I can't run from it, and yet I want to. I want to see him, but I'm scared to look. I want to touch him, but I'm scared to let go. I want to ask him things, but I'm scared of the answers.

It feels like the world is playing a cruel joke. I turn on the radio and hear, "It's the most wonderful time of the year," when my world is caving in. I hear, "It's a holly, jolly Christmas," and I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. I hear, "Joy to the world," and I feel joyless. I hear "Silent Night" and I think about how much I hate trying to sleep because I'll wake up and remember my truth. Why has God done this???

My Daddy gives the best Christmas presents. He listens to what you say throughout the year- what you need- and he can't WAIT to get it for you. He's like a kid trying to keep a secret. This year, just last month, he got debt free. He's been so excited to give us the presents this year because he picked them out carefully and paid cash for them. You know all I can think? That whatever it is, I will have to keep it forever because it may be the last Christmas gift he gives me. And it's not fair!!! It's just not fair!!! How will I ever feel joy at
Christmas again? It's gone. The joy is just completely gone. Why would God make me hate Christmas? Why would he take away the joy? I know I'm selfish. Even when I  write it, I feel selfish. I know there is still good around me. I know there are people who have been through worse things. I know that none of us know when we're going to die. But I just don't care. I can't make myself care about any of that. I can't rationalize.

Dear Daddy,
Do you remember when my friend Anne Louise moved away? I was so sad. You held me in the driveway and told me it wasn't fair. I knew you understood how my heart hurt. I wish I could understand how your heart is hurting. I wish I could hold you so you would feel better. It's not fair.