Being right. . and wrong.

My brother and I had a talk the other day on the way home from the airport. I told him how I've prayed every night for years- thanking God for the health of my family and beg him to keep us that way. I told him that I prayed that because I always had this deep fear that something terrible was going to happen to one of us. I couldn't listen to certain songs or watch certain things because those fears would creep in and cause so much anxiety that I almost couldn't breathe. I suppose I thought that if I prayed often enough and long enough that God would answer that prayer. So I guess I was right. . and wrong.

This morning when I woke up, the record started in my head again. Do you remember how records would skip and say the same thing over and over? The minute I came to conciousness, the record started, "He has cancer, he's going to die, he has cancer, he's going to die, he has cancer, he's going to die, he has cancer, he's going to die." All I can do is start a different record that skips, "stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it" until something distracts me. When I was young, about 12 I think, I heard this poem. It made me sad, but I couldn't stop reading it. I memorized it and have never forgotten it.

Invictus (Unconquerable)

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever Gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced, nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me
Unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.

Dear Daddy,
It matters not how narrow the gates to heaven may be. Your soul is saved, you are unconquerable. I am 'invictus' because of you; and your grace, courage and love will live in my heart forever. Be unafraid, Daddy.