The Shadow vs. The Sunshine

(From Dave)

If it's all the same to you, I've had enough of this cancer, OK?

Don't misunderstand: I am grateful for the (so far) good news on chemo treatments; the love, compassion and prayers of so very many; the good days I've been blessed with lately; the visits to and from family; the lunches with former students; the support and protection of current students - and so many other expressions of love on Facebook, on the phone and in cards.

That's the Sunshine.

But The Shadow, the spectre and reality of cancer, is ALWAYS right behind it.

The Shadow is turning me from a perpetual optimist into someone who can't smile for very long out of a sense of self-preservation.

I'll tell you what: if you ever are considering buying a used car, buy one from an oncologist.  They don't really know how to sugar-coat things.  Even on good days, my mind goes back to what one of the doctors told me within a few days of my diagnosis: "even if the chemo works for a while, eventually the cancer will win."

The Shadow.

So that's where I am every single day: enjoying (within strict, personally set limits) whatever Sunshine I get, but ALWAYS with an awareness of the imminent arrival of The Shadow.

In four hours, I'll have my first post-chemo CT scan.  You can imagine the Shadow vs. Sunshine Battle this morning.

I know that my liver has shrunk noticeably and that I have felt great for over a week (Sunshine), but like an oncologist, a CT scan can't lie.  Will other cancer be detected (Shadow)?  That's where I am.

I would love to always be positive and inspirational here for those of you who are sharing this journey with Angela and me, but that's not really the purpose of this blog.  I will say that it HAS been a great week in terms of how I've been feeling, and I thank God daily for His mercies.  (FOOTNOTE: What would people without faith do in a battle like this?  I can't even begin to imagine.) 

But know this: sometimes the smiles come slowly from me, and sometimes they're forced.  I WANT you to see the strong, "hangin'-in-there" side of me.  Heck, I WANT to be that guy!  But if I've learned anything at all since December 15, it's that The Shadow is due shortly after your words of encouragement, your hug or your note.

That's why I need you all so very badly....YOU are my Sunshine.

.......................................

Dear Mouse,

I tried thinking of times (or even A time) when I encouraged you in a significant way when you were facing something tough when you were little (FOOTNOTE: My daughter is my primary source of strength).  It scared me a bit that I couldn't recall a specific time except for the time when you were having a little trouble keeping the "chatting" down in school.  You and I developed the "Go to school-Go to Work" goodbye every day until the problem passed.

I still want to encourage and inspire you, and pray that this damned disease doesn't prevent that.  Love, Daddy