"I'm Sorry"

(Written by Dave)

I won't lie, it's been pretty rough since last Thursday.

The procedure to clear the port went well, but the drugs they used to clear it just absolutely laid me out.  It's been a slow road back to the "new normal" and has come only in small steps. 

Unfortunately, when this disease kicks you down, you can't hide it.  You can "man up" all you want, but sometimes the pain - or just the battle - exhausts you, then your wife is sure to notice.

When that happens, I stupidly tell my precious wife, "I'm sorry."  She looks at me in disbelief and simply says, "oh, sweetheart."  Then more tears.

But I AM sorry.

I'm sorry I screwed up our wonderful and exciting retirement plans.

I'm sorry she has to go through every gruesome step with me.

I'm sorry that virtually every night I soak the towel I'm forced to sleep on because of night sweats, or alternately, climb in bed shivering uncontrollably.

I'm sorry she has to see me get weaker and weaker.

And those apologies don't even touch all the other people who are so important in my life to whom I haven't had the inner strength to apologize to.

My Children:

I'm sorry I'm not the daddy you've grown to count on.  This disease slowly twists one more and more inward...something I fight every day.

I'm sorry I can't pick up your babies anymore, put them on my shoulders or play bing bong with them. 

I'm sorry I won't be there for their weddings or to see my great-grandchildren.

I'm sorry I may not be here to see my boy move closer after 12 years away.

My Friends:

I'm sorry I don't always return your phone calls immediately.  Usually the longer it takes me, the more I'm worried about breaking down (even in a positive way) in front of you.

My Students (Past and Present):

I'm sorry that I'm having more days when I'm less than 100%.  I love being around you so much, appreciate your love and enthusiasm so much, I want to be around you every day I can.

I'm sorry you have to take on more and more, but how it blesses and reassures me that you CAN and DO!  You are the BEST.

I'm sorry, former students, that when we've scheduled a lunch (to which I dearly look forward) I sometimes have to cancel because of a bad day. 

I'm sorry I may not be around to talk to a potential employer on your behalf; you gave me your best, I owe you mine.

.................................

I hate that ANY of the MANY people who have been so very, very wonderful to Kathy and me throughout this terrible/wonderful journey have to read tough feelings like this, but I promised my baby girl when we started this that we didn't HAVE to write about anything we didn't want to, but if we CHOSE to write about something, it had to be the naked truth.

..................................

Dear Mouse,

Last night I was trying to get my mind to go to a "happy place."  Mine went to the games of "hide and seek" in my office when you and Joe were little and attended University School.  We'd turn off as many of the lights as we could and tried to find each other (Joe was a VERY good hider...foreshadowing???).  I felt like a kid, too.  I looked forward to those games as much as you guys, and I STILL love a good game of hide and seek with grandkids.

I wonder how much the state paid me for all those games??   ;-) 

Love, Daddy